Twenty-four tributes stand around the courtyard: Mr. Head, Mr. Stewart, Mr. Stauffer, Ms. Adina, April Anderson, Mr. Bailey, Mrs. Pate, Mr. Pate, Mr. Arnold, Mrs. Toptchian, Mrs. Quirke, Principal Mr. Bhear, Mr. Kirstein, Mr. Bridgnell, Mr. Toth, Mr. Jones, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Navarro, Mr. Strandberg, Vice Principal Mr. Huelsman, Mr. Nelson, Mrs. Spencer, Mrs. Bernal, and Mr. Quirke. Only one can win. The horn sounds.

Before the countdown even finishes, Ms. Adina slips, face-plants, and immediately detonates the podium. She is the first eliminated, but at least she went out with a bang!

The countdown finally finishes. Mr. Stauffer runs to his classroom and locks the door. Mr. Pate flees outside to the tennis courts like he’s late for practice. Mr. Kirstein bolts for the cornucopia—only to be distracted by a cat running by. He abandons the entire premise of the Hunger Games just to chase it. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Head and Mrs. Bernal get into a fight. Mrs. Bernal signs “Help!” in American Sign Language to the nearby Mr. Garrison, but Mr. Garrison understands Spanish, not ASL, and panickedly yells “¿Qué?” while offering zero assistance. Mrs. Bernal is eliminated by Mr. Head in 20th place. 

In the 100 hall, Mr. Nelson meets the business end of Mr. Navarro’s giant ruler. Nelson begs Navarro for mercy through interpretive impromptu poetry, but Navarro, only caring about Spanish, ignores his pleas. Mr. Nelson is eliminated 19th before he can even finish his haiku.

Back in the chaotic courtyard, Mr. Quirke tramples Mr. Toth. His beautiful, luxurious locks fall victim to Mr. Quirke’s running shoes. Mr. Quirke is out, as leaving the arena disqualifies him from winning anything other than sore calves. Maybe Mrs. Quirke can restore the family honor…

Mrs. Quirke goes to the science courtyard to plant a garden of poisonous plants. In the 300 hall, an alliance between April Anderson and Mrs. Toptchian forms, with April Anderson using her leadership skills to guide Toptchian through the carnage. Mr. Stauffer relaxes in his locked classroom, listening to the country station on the radio as he hypes himself up with motivational quotes. Mr. Stewart is also unaffected, strategically using his turkey hand like a stop sign to block anyone who tries to come his way. Vice Principal Mr. Huelsman wanders the hallways ominously. Mr. Arnold is practicing his bellyflops in the pool. In the 500 hall, Mr. Bridgenell experiments with explosive chemicals. Mr. Kirstein is still chasing the cat. He is losing. 

Back in the 300 hall, Mrs. Toptchian and April Anderson get into an argument about who knows more about science. The fight logically escalates into a dance battle. Toptchian is swiftly eliminated, placing 16th, leaving April Anderson to dance through the games alone. 

In the gym hallway, Mr. Head finds VP Mr. Huelsman wandering around like a spooky Roomba. They wrestle, and Mr. Huelsman is eliminated. 

Elsewhere, Mr. Bailey finds Mr. Kirstein distractedly chasing the cat. When Kirstein finally notices Bailey, he attempts to use psychology to convince him to leave him be, but everyone knows the inner workings of Mr. Bailey’s mind are impossible to comprehend. Mr. Kirstein is eliminated, and the cat escapes. 

Mrs. Pate finds Mrs. Quirke in her poisonous garden. Mrs. Quirke is ready for a botanical battle, but Mrs. Pate uses her interpersonal relationship skills to successfully de-escalate the situation. Mrs. Quirke is left to quietly reflect on her feelings. 

Outside on the track, Mrs. Spencer stumbles upon Mr. Jones. A race ensues between the P.E. teacher and the cross country coach, but because Mr. Jones specializes in long distance and not sprinting, Mrs. Spencer catches him and eliminates him. Mr. Jones places 13th. 

Mr. Bhear is famished after being in the games for so long. He finds a tasty-looking plant in Mrs. Quirke’s garden. It was poisonous. The principal is no more. 

The Spanish teachers, Mr. Navarro and Mr. Garrison, run into each other in the 400 hall. They plot secretly in Spanish and argue over the difficulty of the irregular preterite verbs. They fight it out until they both eliminate each other, tying for 11th place.  

Ten tributes remain, but not for long. Mr. Pate and Mr. Strandberg meet at the tennis courts. They challenge each other to a match, and Mr. Pate wins. Mrs. Pate cheers from the sidelines as Mr. Strandberg is eliminated, leaving the two Pates to navigate the arena as a doubles team. 

Mrs. Spencer and Mr. Head face off in a battle to determine who is the better P.E. teacher. The fight is a blur of chucked softballs, swinging bats, and wrestling, and Spencer finds herself outmatched. All her knowledge of health and the human body didn’t help with this pop quiz. Spencer is eliminated in ninth place. 

April Anderson is dancing through the 400 hall like she’s got her own background music, using the staircase banister as a ballet barre. Mr. Arnold watches her from the top of the staircase like a jaguar ready to pounce. He leaps from the banister and belly-flops on top of April Anderson, crushing her. Mr. Arnold flexes victoriously—he may not have won the belly flop contest at Springfest, but he redeemed himself when it mattered most.

Mr. and Mrs. Pate are celebrating their victories at the tennis courts. Mr. Bridgnell watches from behind the fence secretly. While Mr. Pate and Mr. Strandberg were playing their match, Bridgnell rigged the tennis courts to blow up. With bated breath, he presses the detonator button to trigger the chemical reaction. The courts explode, eliminating Mr. Pate, Mrs. Pate, and Mr. Bridgnell all in one go. Now that’s what I call a blast.

The final six competitors feel a rush of adrenaline. Mr. Stewart clutches his turkey hand protectively. Mr. Stauffer eats an emotional support yogurt carton. Mr. Head warms up. Mrs. Quirke waters her plants one last time. Mr. Bailey stays focused on his goal of winning. Mr. Arnold braces himself for another grand belly flop, this time on top of Mr. Stewart. At the last minute, Mr. Stewart turns and spots Arnold, and throws his Vocab Oar like a javelin, throwing Arnold off-balance, and he flops to his elimination. At least he went out doing something he loved. 

The chaos doesn’t end for Mr. Stewart. Mr. Bailey emerges, stoic as ever, but with a slight, dangerous glint in his eyes. Stewart brandishes his turkey hand like a sword, but it doesn’t deflect Bailey, because he doesn’t like turkey hands anyway. Mr. Stewart is eliminated fifth. 

Mr. Bailey looks up from Mr. Stewart’s discarded turkey hand to see Mr. Head outside. Mr. Bailey runs to the parking lot and hops into his beloved Range Rover, intent on running him over. Slamming on the gas, the car accelerates, only to lose control of the wheel and crash into the building. Mr. Bailey ends up placing fourth.

The final three remain. Mr. Stauffer finishes his yogurt and leaves his room for the first time since the games started to find Mrs. Quirke in the 400 hall. She spikes a volleyball at him, but Mr. Stauffer dodges just as the ball blasts past his face. Mr. Stauffer pulls out a football, gears up, and throws a perfect spiral, analyzing the quadratic arc the ball takes through the sky to directly hit its target. Mrs. Quirke is hit in the head, winning herself third place. She wasn’t eliminated just by a football, but by math; a combination of brawn and brains that could give Mr. Stauffer enough of an advantage to win this…

Mr. Head and Mr. Stauffer face off in the commons, circling each other as they yell “Yo mamma” insults. When they run out of taunts to throw, they throw hands. The fate of the Hunger Games has come down to a wrestling match. 

The teachers tackle each other, the fight a riot of fists, bloodied noses, and the leftovers of Mr. Stauffer’s yogurt. The teachers begin to tire: they’re perfectly matched. Mr. Stuaffer’s motivational quotes float back to him, fueling him with encouragement. Surging with a newfound power, Mr. Stauffer gains the strength to pin Mr. Head to the commons floor and eliminate him. Mr. Stauffer wins the Hunger Games, easy as pi.